How to deal with others calling you names: 7/20/08
When mommy or daddy sometimes get frustrated or impatient, and yell at you or call you stupid, how does that make you feel? Really bad, right? And you don't know how to express or dissolve that anger, so you either start disobeing at other things, take it out on younger brother, or just acting stubborn at other things, right?
When other friends or students tease you, whether about the clothe you wear, or the hair style, or the way you walk or talk, or your being Chinese, ... you don't know how to deal with the feeling, because they are not just attacking what you do, but who you are.
When we criticize others, make sure that we are addressing the action, and not attacking the person. Action is something we can change. Who we are is not.
The Bible is filled with wisdom, especially the lessons by Jesus. On the Sermomn on the Mount, he mention that we are to love our enemies, and pray for those who wronged us. Repay evil with good.
But why do we want to pray for the parent that yelled at us, or the bully who attacks us? How do we pray for them?
We can start by putting ourselves in their situation, and try to understand where they are coming from. Again the bible teaches us another deep truth about human nature. In one situation, Jesus says to those who criticize others: Do not focus on the speck of dust in your brother's eye, but the plank in your own eye. Reversing the interpretation, it is suggesting that whenever someone is verbally or physically attacking you, they themselves are hurting in the same area. The parent who is impatient with the child is probably feeling inadequate with life itself. The bully who picks on other kids is probably being harm in his own home, just as when we are wronged we have the tendency to pick on someone else.
This means when our parents yell at us, we first tell ourselves that they don't know what they are doing, that it is not our fault fhat they attack us, and pray to God to heal our wound, not let their words harm us, and ask God to help us to forgive them. (Just as Jesus on the Cross).
Then we pray for them, that God would help them be free of their oppression, so that they need not live a life of harming others. We pray for our parents to have more security and strength to see life under God's control, so that they don't feel eerything out of control, (which is the primary reason for their stressing out.) We pray for the bully to be free of being hurt, so that they can have a normal friendship with other kids. (Life of a bully is lonely.)
Another perspective to illustrate that people who persecute you are hurting themselves:
When a parent yell at you for being stupid, the parent must have the concept of “stupidity” in his mind already as he grasp for words to express his impatience. In moments of anger and frustration, people do not meditate on what best words to use, but the first concepts that comes to mind. What are likely to be the first? Most likely the thoughts that linger constantly in their mind. Which is most likely the thougths and labels that others apply to them and cause them to struggle with constantly.
This is the reason that Paul in the Bible tells us: think constantly of the good things that God has given us. That will put an end to all the negative thoughts and ideas that we may have and likely to lash out against others. So that even when we have been attacked, we are able to go to God for elp, and offer the attacker good for evil in return.
NB: Last week a blogger wrote that the secret to relationship is that, when one spouse attacks another, the other should realize the first as being in “baby” mode of primal need, and hence temporarily be in the role of a nurturing parent: rather than retaliating against the “baby”, we feed and pamper to the needs of the “baby”, until the primal need is no longer there. Of course, this is good in theory but hard in practice, especiallly when one spouse is always the “baby”. For egoistic people, how do you consistently face the abuse of your spouse?
This is why we need God. We may know what to do, but not have the power to do it. We need God's loving power, to understand, to forgive, and to love. All that I said in the first part of a child responding to parent's scolding should apply to how we handle our spoures as well.
Part 2: Being loved by God, just as I am loving you now.
When you have been yelled at by your parent, or beaten up by a bully, you may feel really bad. But now that I am here to talk to you about it, showing you that I understand what you go through, and here to pray with you about the situation and pray for the attacker, don't you feel that you are comforted?
When you know that daddy understands you, and here to protect you or to comfort you, you feel that daddy's love makes everything else not important at all. Even if the whole world crumbles, it doesn't matter any more. Imagine how much stronger you feel, when your Heavenly Father understands and loves you even more. I am only showing an example of His love for you. Now don't you feel that nothing can hurt you any more?
This is the same way that I feel strong and handle the assaults in my life, by going to Heavenly Father for comfot, understanding, strength, and love. This is why I always say that the most important thing in life that I can teach and impart to you, is our faith in God the Heavenly Father through knowing Jesus Christ.
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